You Are Not Alone

This is extremely difficult for me to talk about because it opens up some old wounds and is hard for me to be completely open about some things in my past. But being vulnerable is worth it if I could help someone understand their anxiety or depression like I wish I had growing up. So here goes everything.

Don’t have time to read? Watch this quick vlog.

I was about thirteen when I started to realize how unhappy I was all of the time. Especially when things did not go the way I planned. The unhappiness never made sense to me because I had an incredible life! My parents were always there for me, loving and supportive and still together. We had a big house, food was always on the table, and we even took family vacations twice a year. I was living the childhood dream and could not ask for anything else! So why was I consistently unhappy?

Flash forward to fifteen, now a freshman in high school. The time where all you want to do is fit in and be a part of the “cool crowd”. I was really struggling mentally and my sadness started to develop suicidal thoughts. I was so afraid of these thoughts and did not understand why they were happening to me. So I confided in my friends for help and advice. They told me I should talk to my mom about it and well.. I did.

I remember this moment like it was yesterday because it had such a huge impact on my life. So tremendous an impact that, truthfully, I still hold onto today. I told my mom that I wanted to kill myself. Before I could explain that I would never act on these suicidal thoughts, she slapped me in the face and told me to never think like that again (side note: my mom loves me so much and would jump in front of a bullet for me. At this weak moment, she was just afraid.) From that point on, I shut down. I stopped talking about it because I was afraid others would think I’m messed up, immature, overly emotional, too sensitive, abnormal, or the more popular phrase.. CRAZY.

I continued to struggle throughout high school and college, hoping that a relationship would solve my problems like in the movies. However, with heartbreak after heartbreak, I was left more crumbled and broken than before; the suicidal thoughts continued. It wasn’t just with relationships, but life situations, too. I thought this was only a phase in my life, that when I got older it would suddenly pass and I would grow out of these feelings. I never did.

As you probably have already experienced when your heart gets broken, it can feel like the end of the world. Your future plans/ideas disappear, you’re all alone again and you have to start completely over. You feel unwanted, unloved, and lost in an empty world. That is how I felt when the guy I thought I was going to spend forever with dumped me out of the blue. I was at rock bottom in my life. I didn’t know where I was going or what I wanted to do. I was at an all-time low. As a result, when my 23rd birthday came around, I made a promise to myself that if I was still single when I turned 26, I would be done. I would end my life because living with so much pain alone wasn’t worth it anymore. This is so far from the truth, let me tell you! 

Fortunately, I grew up and realized how silly that was of me to think. But, going through life and not understanding what’s going on with you or why you always have these suicidal thoughts when things don’t go as planned is scary. You question your self-worth and wonder why you can’t just be a normal person. You feel so alone because you’re afraid to talk about it and if you did you would sound, or be labeled, crazy. On top of that, if you talk about it…then it would start to feel more real. 

A while after a major breakup and with God’s perfect timing, I was scrolling through Facebook and came across a video that a college friend posted. She was crying hysterically and explaining what she was going through; she released her thoughts, feelings, and the panic attack that was brought on by her anxiety. I was frozen still and for the first time, I didn’t feel alone. Most importantly,I didn’t feel crazy anymore. I had anxiety that caused my depression and it has been controlling my life all of these years. I had a mental illness, and it took 23 years of suppression for me to finally realize it.

For a few months, I thought I could control my anxiety, but I needed more help than just awareness. I went to my doctor who prescribed me a pill that specifically helps with anxiety. I took it everyday and I no longer was sad, but I wasn’t happy either. I was going through the day with no emotions. The pill didn’t solve my mental health issue. It was just a coat to cover up my feelings, which was fine…as long as it helped with my depression and anxiety.

I took that pill that I thought I had to have everyday for nearly three months. I met up with a friend who was extremely positive and always had a happy-go-lucky personality. He introduced to me a book called “A New Earth, Awakening To Your Life’s Purpose”. The first day I started reading was the last time I took my anxiety pill. I highly recommend this book to everyone who may be a little lost or struggling. This book talks about how we all have a little voice in our head called the EGO, or in other terms, “edging God out”. That voice is a lie and wants to destroy your happiness. He’s the voice that tells you that you’re not good enough, you’re going to mess up, they will laugh at you, you will never be successful, you’re not pretty enough. Yes—you know what voice I’m talking about. 

With meditation and living in the present moment, I found a better way to live. Sometimes it sounds too good to be true. Now, don’t get me wrong.. I still struggle, I still want to binge eat, I still want to hide in my room and watch Netflix all day, and I still am afraid to talk about my feelings. But when I focus on a daily routine and other healthy habits, such as always being grateful, reading, following and living in God’s eyes, exercising, eating healthy foods that fuel my body, and taking daily vitamins, it all helps my mindset stay on track!

If I was able to go back and change one thing in my life, it would be to have a knowing and understanding of anxiety. I missed out on so many life opportunities because of this mental illness. I lost friendships, relationships, job opportunities and I missed out on special events or gatherings. I was afraid to live my life. I wish I had someone in my corner helping me through the battle of my life, telling me that you are not alone and you WILL get over this. BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT ALONE AND YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS.. 

I hope someone finds peace reading this story and they realize they can overcome this illness. It won’t be easy or a quick fix, but it can be done. You are strong and you are loved.

Remember, you are more than enough, you are Worthy!